All the pictures are of me, at some point in my fifty five years of life. I started a career as an International male model at, seventeen years old. I was in a relationship with a wonderful man, for eighteen years and three months. whom I met in high school, he was a very great doctor. I also was blessed with a beautiful brother, my best friend. I was born in a wealthy extremely Catholic, conservative, white Texas family. Who were the biggest hipacrits, extremely religious, intolerant, unkind, abusive, greedy, extremely self centered, hateful people. Yes these are the people who I grew up with and everyone wonders why I prefer the company of cat’s and other animals over people. Simple, I have only received unconditional love, from one humans! You do the math, I suck at math. I grew up in a large extended, close net family. In a very sheltered box, a very large box, but a sheltered box none the less. I never knew what bigotry, racism or what poverty was. I didn’t know how to fear to walking down the street, just because of the color of my skin or because of the way I looked. I had good looks, made good grades, I also, had a very good close circle of friends, in high school. I had my own room and private bathroom (so did my brother and sisters) we had a game room, large kitchen with an island big enough for four people to set around and still cook on. A formal living room (that we were never able to sit in) two family dens, one for TV and the other to just visit. A breakfast room, that we only ate in once or twice in 20yrs. Three car garage, and a full service bar (it was big enough for six people to sit at, comfortably. The house was ten thousand square feet and sat on a two and a half acker lot, we had a tennis court’s, but the previous owner built a full one bedroom freestanding house on it, for his mother. My grandmother (who I was privileged to have for the first 28yrs of my life, and miss terribly) lived in the house for the last 20yrs of her life. I left home at seventeen years old, to start college and my adult life, in Portland Oregon. I was terrified and excited at the prospect, of being on my own and being able to come out of the closet. I was finally able to be me. I nevertheless had a difficult time, adjusting to being on my own. I never could understand why my, refrigerator was always empty and my parents refrigerator was never empty, for at least the first month. I had never in my life,up until then, gone to a grocery store or cleaned or done anything domestic. Actually, my first experience with a broom, was when, I moved in with Cisco nineteen years ago, he still makes joke’s about my lack of domestic skills. Of course, over the last twenty years I leaned quickly, because of his lack in being a 50/50 life partner, but I’ve regressed.
In 1995 my life, started to crumble. Everything and everyone, I loved began to slip away from me. My brother lost his battle with HIV/AIDS, my mother started a very long and messy divorce. My first husband (Thomas) and I were separated for the first time, since we meet in high school and my beloved cat, Ashland, I had for sixteen years had just passed away. He was my best friend and first baby to leave me for the Rainbow Bridge. The absolute worst part was, everyone knew about all my personal failures and that’s what really bothered me, the most. Why I had no idea, but it was there and it did. I never realized how much, my privacy was compromised, until that summer. I also had no idea just how close I was to the edge and how much I needed someone to rescue and save me. Unfortunately no one else, knew or could have known either.
On July, 3 1995, I walked into my father’s bathroom and took 130, very powerful pain pills, he’d just filled for his back. I remember not feeling anything, no fear, just a peaceful feeling inside and a calmness I hadn’t felt for a long time. I was ready to go, at thirty one. My mom and dad were destroying the family, my brother and my beloved cat were gone, my modeling career was over and my Tommy was about to leave me alone. Hind sight, is 20/20 they say, and I realize now that everything, bad in my life happened after that date. I ingested 80% of the pain medication, and my heart stopped six or seven times, at some point I turned purple and blue. The doctors had my parents call our family priest for last rights, but unfortunately that was the day God, decided to give me a miracle. The absolute main reason for this, was my dad. My father just would not give up on me, he preformed CPR on me for fifty minutes, until the ambulance arrived at there house, forty five minutes from town. He never left my side, but then again, he never left my side, my entire life. After he passed away on May 7 2017, I truly wished with all my heart (and still do) he would have let me go that July third 1995, because I would be with him now. Nothing in this world now, will ever be able to give me the joy, hope, kindness, unconditional love or make me feel as safe as I did then, every day gets worse and I can’t shake off the depression and anxiety. The only reason why I am still here is; I made a promise, to my dad as soon as I awoke, that I would never purposely take my own life again…..but I give up one time before, I was almost killed by three skinheads, and the detective decided an older homosexual man who was a victim of a hate crime, was lesser than the three white gangsters. The police said it was ok to attempt to murder me, and let them go. I had to leave Las Vegas area, for two years, because they were straight and white. I gave up, I learned, that no good deeds go unpunished………..and how was your day?😢😁